| |
| |
|
Humor Information |
|
|
|
3 Surefire Ways To Combat Rising Gas Prices
I have heard the rumblings of many of you in Readerland about the recent spike in gasoline prices. In fact it's all I seem to hear about lately. But at least it keeps you from rumbling about the infrequency of my columns and articles. Nonetheless, I have decided to try to help you get through this crisis by generously providing: 3 Ways to Combat Rising Gas Prices! 1. Don't Drive Your Car This is, of course, the most obvious solution. If you never take the old Plymouth out the driveway, then it won't matter that at current gas prices it takes $125 to fill up the 30 gallon gas tank, or that you only get about 2.51 miles to the gallon. If you never drive, you could care less. Of course, I know what you're going to say. "But Tim, I have places I need to go-like work. And the kids have school and soccer practice. And then there's grocery shopping and yoga lesssons and dinner at the Richardsons and blah blah blah and...." Ok, I get the point. Not everyone can sit around the house writing not-so-funny articles and searching the Internet for Drew Barrymore photos like me. I fully understand that some of you have a life. But just because you don't drive your own car doesn't mean you can't get around. The answer? 2. Carpool It's seems so simple now doesn't it. Instead of using your gas-Use Someone Elses! Have someone else pay $5.50 a gallon for gas to take your kids to school. Make someone else dip into their retirement fund just so they can cover the gas bill needed to get you to the office and back everyday. Make someone else get a second job so that they can have a full tank of gas in their SUV when your daughter needs to cruise the mall. It's so simple. Of course, the concept behind carpooling is that everyone takes turns driving. So in a normal carpool situation you would eventually be required to use your car and spend your money driving others around. But this is not a Normal Carpool Situation, this is a Tim Ward Carpool Situation (TWCPS). In a TWCPS you avoid using your own car by making it so that the other carpool participants would rather walk barefoot on 120 degree asphalt than ride with you. You achieve this by: (a) never washing or cleaning your car. Leave it looking and smelling like the county landfill. (b) Have the worst behaved child in your family sitting in the front seat at all times. Feed the child lots of candy so he/she is always superhyper. (c) Refuse to discuss anything in your car except your spouses bad bathing habits, bodily fluids, hang nails, chest hair, etc. (d) Only play reggae music on the radio. Loud! You shouldn't have to worry about anyone wanting to ride with you ever again. 3. Ride the Bus/Subway Many cities have a mass transit system that is an alternative to driving your own vehicle. If you live in a city that doesn't have one don't worry-you can always move. Of course, riding public transportation does have a few drawbacks, but these can be easily overcome if you follow these simple guidelines: 1. No matter what happens never, ever make eye contact with anyone. Making eye contact is an invitation for someone to mug you. 2. No matter what happens never, ever give up your seat to anyone. This is seen as weakness, and will be taken as an invitation to mug you. 3. No matter how tempted you are never, ever strike up a conversation with the person sitting next or across from you. This is very annoying and can be taken as an invitation for someone to mug you. Or worse, for someone to talk back. 4. Always make sure you are alert to get on and off at the right stop. Getting off at the wrong stop can lead to immediate mugging. 5. Never, ever take children with you on public transportation. Fellow passengers hate children. Children make you definite mug victim material. Well, there you have it. 3 ways to deal with rising gas prices. Hopefully, you will be able to use these methods to keep from spending twice your car's Blue Book value just going to Walmart. Hopefully, next time your friends are grumbling and ranting about the mounting gas prices you will be able to just sit back and smile, content because the issue no longer concerns you. Hopefully, I've once more helped my loyal readers in a time of crisis. And all I ask in return as a simple thank you next time you see me. Just make sure we're not on the bus. I'd hate to have to mug you... Tim Ward invites you to visit http://www.timward.1afm.com to subscribe to his humor column 'I Never Said I Was Normal'.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobsSpongeBob has been in the news a lot lately, he has been a kidnapped Victim. Instead of wasting time with an Amber Alert for SpongeBob, why not put an Active RFID Satellite Tags in the SpongeBobs so we can track them to the culprits. How To Marry A Wealthy Guy How To Marry A Wealthy Guy(or Girl.. He Had It Coming, Your Honor This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. Funny Things We Dream I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05 Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food? - Former StudentPoor Rix ate lunch at a school last week, and really liked it. Who knew they could make a dessert out of corn chips?Fact is, Poor Rix enjoyed everything about school, except for the "study" part. Short Story: Take a Trip To The Temple Of The Great Tomato Jimmy Jenkins Jr. is not an adventurer, traveler, or pioneer. The Hidden Driveway I won't lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I'd even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway. Beyond Black and White Over visiting a neighbor the other day?"Would you like a cup of coffee?" he asks. "I just roasted the latest batch. Not Your Average Sunday Morning Just recently my ex-husband stopped in to visit during his vacation. In the course of small talk, a few old memories usually crop up in the conversation. Sweet Vengeance Purrfected I love animals but cats are my favorites. There's just something about them that makes me relate to them so easily. Laughing Toward Truth: Six Tips for Lighthearted Thinkers Do you believe in the power of your convictions?It's time to lighten up.People love attaching themselves to ideas. And the World Goes Round If you are a citizen of UK or Australia, you are permitted to snicker at this problem. Anchorage, Alaska, just opened its first two roundabouts at a major intersection. To See Or Not To See I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. Silver Linings Are Everywhere Viagra. That one word packs a lot of punch. Setting History Straight Have you ever heard the name Will Schwenk? Or the name Artie Seymour? Probably not. But you will, you will, when the word gets around about how these two inglorious talents were by-passed, how they missed being touched by the magic wand of Fate. Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital region, and calls this place home. His travels have taken him far and wide, but it's his hometown surroundings that serve as a backdrop for his writing. Bad Days and Bad Timing Have you ever noticed how family members always misbehave at the most inappropriate moments? Well, let me tell you, it's not just the little ones that spout off with remarks that make you want to don a cloak of invisibility.My son was just having one of those days. Space, and the Room for It Space exploration came a long way since I was the size of a measurable amount of it.I remember with some pain, my first ride on a penny farthing with its big wheel and long spokes that were well engineered to cut a foot or two off anyone's legs. The Jokes On You -- Who Should be the Butt of Your Jokes? This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child's birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn't done by a clown, but I've seen clowns doing similar things. The Language of Appalachia Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
